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Bears
Bears are soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines. They, like purple donkeys, run around the woods molesting and raping innocent people and squids. For years, ravenous bears have had free reign to use our woods as their personal latrine, protected by their "endangered" status. Now the government is wisely considering ending the grizzlies' special treatment in order to protect our honey jars and Paddington Station. Bears' strong vitality and resilience makes them one of mother nature's nearly unkillable animals. A bear has never been downed by any less than five gunshots. Combinations of high explosives, assault weapons, and trebuchets have been known to only piss the bear off. Why can man-kind put a man on the moon, but not invent a weapon that can take down Big-Yogi over there?--> Stephen's Words .]] ::"I believe all God's creatures have a soul — except bears." '' :::—Stephen Colbert, on his show, ''The Colbert Report ::"Last night, we did the Threatdown — God, it’s hard to even talk about this — and for the first time, I didn’t mention bears. It’s winter, they’re asleep, I didn’t think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail — apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children’s hockey game. I’ve said this before, they’re after our kids — they’re tender, juicy, you don’t even have to throw away the bones." '' :::—Stephen Colbert, on his show, ''The Colbert Report ::"'Dear Stephen, why aren’t you nicer to bears? I like them a lot! They make me laugh my head off. Love, Joshua.' Like a lot of kids, Joshua has been misled about bears. They won’t make you laugh your head off, they'll tear your head off." :::—Stephen Colbert, reading a fan letter on his show, The Colbert Report History It is believed that long ago all bear-kind were united in promoting the advancement of honey-loving. By swatting acrobatic fish out of the air and, by the location of their defecation alone, it seemed that they were just solving straightforward problems. However, bear-kind turned against man when we tried to offer them freedom: freedom to dance, to fight for money, and to be kept in small cages. It was then that bear-kind fractured: the grizzlies (the militant wing of beardom), spectacled (elitists), and black bears (or just "bears", as Stephen calls them) became godless killing machines bent on wiping out mankind, and the polar bears became agnostic killing machines (who might be godless, but they're not quite sure), in favor of wiping out mankind but setting as their first priority the devouring of human children. (Polar bears have been known to threaten Canadians—but who hasn't been?) Ever since, America has stood fast and alone against the tyranny of beariness. Bears are just scary and they reek of anti-Americanism. Bears are just scary. The Bear Flag Revolt The Bear Flag Revolt was an incident during the American War for Liberating Mexico (from themselves) when bears rampaged through California, participating in flag burning, eating babies, and baring their teeth menacingly at decent Americans. Stephen Colbert was instrumental in the halting of this insurrection, but alas, California remains hopelessly traumatized to this day as evidenced by their altered mental state of liberalism. The California flag commemorated this Revolt with a bear on the state flag, replacing the original depiction of a pussy. A bears fur is the main ingredient used in biological weapons. Worldwide Crisis bear attacks a conservative on a CBS talk show.]] Bears appear all over the globe. Their major headquarters are located in the Middle East and Canada. When not "hibernating," or recharging for their next attack, they are out on the loose, threatening men, women, and children of all ages. Many non-renewable resources, such as berries and salmon, are being devoured by the greedy grizzlies. Luckily, with the help of the Colbert Nation, this threat can be put to an end through the use of bear spray, bear traps, and our own bare hands. Bears must be killed because they are part of the Axis of Evil. Countries and cities around the world are gripped with the equally pressing problem of Koala Bears, with the death toll mounting to spectacular levels in the past several years. The dreaded Colbear has been seen slowly moving from Antarctica, where many bears have taken refuge under the Colbear's mighty unamerican claws, to South Dakota, where it can only be assumed that the Colbear wishes to have his final battle with his crafty nemesis, Stephen Colbert, atop the scalps of the greatest presidents in history. Bears have gone onto Myspace.com and posed as teenagers. They lure other teens to their caves where the children are never heard from again. Beware of internet predators. They will kill you. If he was ever confronted by a bear John Derbyshire is pretty sure he could take it down with his bare hands. thus anyone who dosen't is a wimp. Alliances The NFL They have a football team named after them in Chicago. * Tuesday, October 17, 2006 Chicago Bears This goes out to all members of the Colbert Nation. Just when you thought the world was safe, the bears attack again. The bears were down 20-3 nearing the end of the 3rd quarter. All was not well in Jellystone park. The bears seemed out of their element, they looked like they had been tamed into a harmless pack of cubs. Not quite as pathetic as the Chicago Cubs but that's beside the point. When all of a sudden the bears roared back to a 24-23 victory and these bears continue to be a threat to America's safety and security. These bears have now shown that they possess superhuman recuperative powers and they cannot be stopped. Word has it that the bears have signed a pact with the tigers to take over the American sports landscape and beyond. These bloodthirsty animals are becoming an eminent threat to America and we may need to use preemptive action to squash this threat. We must force these bears back into hibernation like in the 1990s or face the repercussions of a full out bear assault. Let's just hope it's not 1985 all over again. With The USSR, Soviet Military The Soviet Union, occasionally known as the mother land, Mother Russia or the Great Bear, has had a disturbingly ursine past. During the Cold War, the Soviet military began experiments on bears. So you ask, what is the problem with caging terrible monsters and performing cruel and dangerous tests on them? Nothing, really, but the Soviets had evil intentions! The Soviets planned on making an elite unit of mutant bears, dubbed Проект Железная Смерть (Project Iron Death). Once these bears were mutated to become even deadlier killing machines, they would be dropped along with paratroopers accompanying an invasion force. Thankfully, the great conservative president Ronald Reagan single-handedly destroyed the USSR before they had a chance to unleash this scourge against humanity. With the ACLU The ACLU thinks these abominations are people. President Bush has been working closely with Stephen Colbert to torture the ACLU leading officials. With the NAACP According to a Colbert interview with NAACP Chairman Julian Bond, the NAACP (aka NAMBLA) is "pro-bear." Since the interview, the NAACP has refused any further questioning about their pro-bear stance. With Disney The Disney corporation thinks that bears, in general, are not masculine enough for its viewers. Which is why the new Winnie The Pooh animated series, to be starting on the Disney Channel this Fall 2006, will not star Christopher Robin, but a voluptuous female lead instead. Also, in an effort to spice up the Bear Country Jamboree, they will be serving beer and will now be joined by the burlesque show at the Golden Horseshoe. With PETA The organization known as PETA promotes the disarming of hunters and would leave us defenseless from the attacks of godless bears. With Hollywood Stanly Kubrick's "Dr. Stangelove" seems at first glance to be a reasoned manifesto on how to deal with a member of the Axis of Evil. Upon closer inspection it has been revealed to be a coded message to bears everywhere, urging them to join in a conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Shame on you, Hollywood for giving aid and comfort to our perpetual enemy! With Sharks It is rumored that Bears have forged an alliance with their Natural allies the Sharks to create BearSharks. With The Montana Grizzly Encounter These bear-lovers actually invited Brutus, a four-and-a-half-year-old grizzly bear, to Thanksgiving dinner. The integration of bears into a godly American holiday is outrageous! On Wallstreet! Long have bad days on wall street been called a bear market. Then somehow Bears managed to get their own bank! and what did they call it why Bear Stearns Cos. of course. Bear Trivia harboring a fugitive bear inside his ice cream truck.]] *There is conclusive evidence that toy teddy bears are surveillance devices used by bears to collect strategic information on American households that can later be sold to terrorist organizations. *It is a known fact that bears are honey junkies (or honkies), meaning that they are directly correlated to the spread of diabetes and obesity in our great nation. SHAME! *They shit in the woods, and wipe their ass with their own paws. *'They are Godless killing machines.' *How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they hate light, and all other good and holy things. *Roosevelt is also responsible for the teddy bear. The toys were named in honor of Roosevelt when, during a hunt, he refused to shoot an old female bear tied to a tree. After that act of appeasement, this bear went on to shoot Archduke Ferdinand, thus igniting World War I. *When you’re hiking, you should pin a bell to your clothes. It jingles, and that noise makes the bears think it’s Christmas, which they hate, because when they're not waging war on mankind, they're waging a War On Christmas. *If confronted by a bear, never turn your back on one. Such a gesture may be seen as permission to mate...you know, the same thing it would mean if you were in prison. *In the year of 2006, a grizzly and polar bear mated. This is just the first step in their plan to create the ultimate killing machine known as a pizzly bear. *Also, in 2006, a bear consumed a monkey. This is just another step in their efforts to eat their way up through the evolutionary chain until they get to Man. IF evolution existed, which it does not. *Bears love honey and picanic baskets. *Bears have two favorite hockey teams. In the NHL, their favorite team is the Boston Bruins, whose ugly uniforms make The Baby Jesus cry. In the Ontario Hockey League, their favorite team is the Owen Sound Attack, whose mascot is a bear, and are the archenemies of the Saginaw Spirit, Stephen Colbert's favorite team, with whom they are locked in a never ending battle of good vs. evil. *Star eating alien bears reside on a planet named Bearpiter, the home base of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance. They attempted to conquer Earth, but were foiled in their godless plot. See the Bearpiter page for more details. *Bears tend to attend their own walk of fame ceremonies in nothing but a red T-shirt! That's just despicable. Think of the children! Better yet, hide the children and lock the doors, because I'm not gonna look at a bears schlong! *Bears are allied with the Democratic Party, along with the Asses. *Bears are the majority shareholders in The New York Times stock. *Osama bin Laden is actually a bear that's taken human form. *Bears use Tabasco sauce for eye drops. *Bears superficially watch CBS in droves to create a dishonest market sample of viewership so CBS can propagate more terrible shows. *Some people mistakenly think "bear spray" is a bear repellent, so they spray it on their kids. The bears like this because it makes the kids taste a little spicy. When buying bear spray, only buy the ones specifically marked with the approval of Stephen Colbert on it. *Stephen Colbert will never propagate the bear agenda. Congressman hopeful Bryan Coffey who has a complete pro-bear agenda lost the election due to Stephen's heroic opposition. *The only time a bear has ever successfully mated with a human was in the winter of 1983 in the wilds of Michigan, resulting in a hideous and unholy man/bear fusion known only as "Jeremy". *17.5% of half of the world's bears, or approximately 21,204, exhibit homosexual tendencies by the age of 5. This indicates whether or not they are direct descendants of Satan or just distant cousins. *Women should be especially careful when in the woods because "The bears can smell the menstruation, and the masturbation." *Bears are known to appear at parks, causing parents to keep their children indoors. Bears are now waging war against Christmas AND swing sets. *Bears drink Coca-Cola, a major soft drink conglomerate. Coca-Cola has contained cocaine. Bears are allied with Colombian drug lords. To hide this fact, they tell everyone they are drinking Pepsi, but we know better, don't we? *Bears are allied with Megatron. Megatron is the eternal enemy of the Autobots and arch-enemy of Optimus Prime. *Bears bite, they really really bite. Not just a nibble, but a huge bite. Did I fail to mention they bite? Because they do, and when they bite, it hurts like a motherfucker! *Bears like honey, and will stop at nothing to get honey. What animals makes honey? That's right, bees! Who likes bees, they sting like the dickens. Bears have a mutual alliance with bees. *The bear and African elephant population has tripled in the past six months. This leads for some to believe that bears and African elephants are working together to increase their population, but further investigation is needed before we can reach a full conclusion. *The bears own 50% of Chicago. That's why Chicago has not just one, but two bear-related teams: their baseball team, the Chicago Cubs; and their football team, the Chicago Bears. *It's a common misconception that bears are not Communists. In fact, all bears are Communists. *Bears have a secret military institution hidden underneath Chicago; we have not yet found a way to penetrate it. *Bear City is the capital of all of bear-dom. It's location is unknown, but we suspect that it is being hidden with some sort of cloaking device. *It has been reported that bears have been kidnapping our children and brainwashing them so they can send them back to civilization as sleeper cells for the bear army. *Bears have been seen loitering around voting booths in Connecticut on Election Day, taking a new step on their war on democracy as they showered anti-war, pro-abortion leaflets from trees within the 75-ft freedom zone. However, the bears were driven from the site by Colbert and Wilford Brimley riding giant Lord of the Rings bald eagles in defense of real freedom. *Bears are Optimus Prime's toilet paper. *Bears can be permanently removed from the earth with a spray of Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401 *It has been alleged that Colbert has had a bearracial man-bear cub named Teddy. *Polar bears appear on ABC's LOST. Long-haired hippie Sawyer shot one in the face twice, like a true American. *A Bear beat out world hot dog eating champion Kobayashi in the worlds eating championships. *Bats are really just tiny flying bears. *Skinning a bear will aggro every bears in a forty-yard radius. It makes sense, you are actually skinning their best friend. *Polar Bears are the only species on the planet that will actively hunt humans for food *Bears love fish so fish must also be godless. Who is Driving? Oh my God, this bear is driving! How can that be? Do Your Part *Be a threat to bears like this eight-year old girl. *Stop The Bears Petition When Confronting Bears in The Wild * Pray for rain and the bear will fumble your children * What you do need is a test to see if you’re dealing with a grizzly or a black bear. O.K. Here’s what you do. Sneak up behind the bear and kick it as hard as you can in the nuts. Then run as fast as you can to the nearest tree and climb as fast as you can to the top. If the bear chases you up the tree to kill you it’s a black bear and if it knocks the tree down to kill you it’s a grizzly. *Under no circumstances should anyone ever try to convert a bear as the following story illustrates. Also you should not kick a bear in the nuts as suggested above unless you want to be known as the dumbest dead guy ever. A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out to the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and try to convert it. Seven days later, they met to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, his arm in a sling, on crutches, and with a wide assortment of bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went to the woods to find a bear. And when I found one I began to read to him from the Catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and then he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And! then I began to read to him from God's HOLY Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with it all. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in prayer and fellowship." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said, "Oh, you guys don't know trouble until you try to circumcise one of those hairy beggars!" It seems that Bears in the Wild (a.k.a. "wild bears") are trying to befriend Stephen -- or at least endorse his policies. Like Stephen, bears want people to abstain from sex, and - like Stephen - bears are willing to enforce that rule. The Colorado Dept. of Wildlife has issued a brochure that is available to visitors as they enter the state: According to the Colorado Department of Wildlife, "Although black bears are generally shy and avoid human contacts, there are some precautions you can take to avoid encounters if you camp and hike in bear country. You are responsible for doing all you can to prevent conflicts with bears." One of those precautions is: "Abstain from sexual activity." See also External Sources *Proof that bears are working with the homosexuals **Gays + bears + art = mathematical certainty **Bear den **Bear guy *Proof of an International homo-bear conspiracy - a German gay bar with a bear mascot *How to Defend Yourself against Bear Attacks * The King of Spain kills drunken bear * The Truthiness Bear * How to Kill Bears with Potassium Chlorate